Welcome to Womp City.

NYC Style or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Penn Station

New York can be daunting to the traveler or transplant with low style-self-esteem.  It is a notoriously fashionable place, home to very celebrated fashion weeks, Fifth Avenue, SoHo, a few seasons of Top Model, a handful of H&Ms, and even an American Eagle in Times Square.  People from all over the world come to New York to shop at the original Macy’s, the original Saks, and any of our many Forever 21s.  Well-coiffed rail thin women tottering about in their sky high Manolos alongside their delicately chiseled male counterparts might make you think you’re never fully dressed without a paper sack over your face.  But take heart!  There’s a place where everyone can feel like the most beautiful person in all Manhattan.

Two words: Penn Station. 

Yes!  Nestled between Chelsea and Hell’s Kitchen, Penn Station is a smorgasbord of hastily made business decisions, transients, ill-advised tourists, convention goers, and people who begrudgingly work in the area.  You know who won’t judge you for pairing dirty sneakers with your rumpled suit?  The many Children International and Greenpeace drones milling about 34th street!  Or the habitually striking Verizon employees!  Or the phalanx of caribbean men in Harold Square trying to shuffle you onto a Greyline bus tour of the top of the Empire State Building!  The point is: people in corporate issued tee-shirts don’t care what you’re wearing!      

Maybe that still isn’t enough for you.  Maybe you want to adopt a new look, reinvent yourself.  You can do that, too!  Shop for wares you can only find in NYC at any of the neighborhood’s many boutiques such as Old Navy, Foot Locker, Sketchers, Gap, Victoria’s Secret, and famed New York surf establishment Billabong.  And after you’ve shopped yourself silly, pop in for a frozen-yogurt/cupcake/iced-coffee/sushi/pizza/manicure/pedicure/eyebrow-threading/iphone-case at any of the delis in the neighborhood.

Still feeling down in the frumps about your style?  You just had a $1 slice while you had your eyebrows shaped for $6.24 while sporting your sick new shape-ups - what more do you need?  Well, if you’re in need of one last boost, just take a walk and feast your eyes on the double-wide asses (tourist and local, alike!) traipsing down the street!  Sure, you’ll see people who look better than you, but I promise you are not the weirdest trainwreck on that block.  And no one is terrible looking in an ironic way.  Everyone is genuinely not giving a shit.  Join them, won’t you?

“Are you there, God? It’s me, Blogologues.” Sept. 26th!

Friends!

I’m performing in this month’s installment of Lively Production’s Blogologues series entitled “Are you there, God? It’s me, Blogologues.”  It’s a sketch show.  You’ll like it.

Monday, September 26th at Under St, Mark’s.  7:00pm and 9:00pm.  Ticket price includes a beer! (or beer price includes a show, whatever makes you happier!)  For more information and to purchase tickets, click here.

The venue is small, so get your tickets in advance. 

See you there!

An Open Letter to “Children International”

Dear Unassuming Charming Young Person with a Clipboard,

Well, the thermometer has jumped above 65 degrees for a couple of weeks and finals are over, so I guess it’s your time to shine.  You saw that Craig’s List ad boasting “$1500-2000” a month for an “outgoing” and “personable” type who wants to “help others” and “spend time outside” and here you are, working your dream job.  So, you didn’t get to be an apprentice at Williamstown.  At least you’re outside!

I’ll admit, I was fooled by your eye contact and the way you acted like you already knew me from somewhere else.  You knew from my frumpy business casual get-up and post-lunch slouch-shuffle that I’m desperate for human interaction between the hours of 8:30-5 Monday-Friday.  And it worked. 

What was worse was you noticed the hickey on my neck and somehow made me feel like I had to hear you out.  Like, okay you know that someone put their mouth on my neck last night and now you’re going to street-shame me into hearing your two minute pitch.  Did they teach you to look for embarrassing physical attributes in your training, or is that your personal technique?  If I hadn’t had a hickey, would you have been like “Hey Big Teeth, do you have a minute for children’s rights?”  And you know, it would have worked.  Shame on you.  Shame on us both.

So, I listened.  You told me about how children around the world and even in our own country are going without proper nutrition, medical care, and education.  And I felt terrible.  And then you asked me a series of questions which set me up to feel like a monster if I said no: “Do you think all children should have access to clean water?” “If you could, would you want to help a child get an education instead of serving as cannon fodder?” “Kids with AIDS need help, right?”

And then you asked me to give you my credit card information on the street.  And the this is where the game changed entirely.

Of course I want children around the world to live safe lives.  But NO, I will not give you my credit card information in the middle of 34th street because you’re making me feel guiltier than when I watch those abused pet commercials with Wendy Malick and the Sarah McLaughlin song.  The last time I gave someone my information in person (which I guess is an “insecure connection”) this happened.  So, don’t treat me like I’m THE WORST PERSON EVER because I’m not signing up on the street.

Street-shame me once, shame on you.  Street-shame me twice, just stop shaming me, I only get a half-hour for lunch!  You can try and work your musical theatre black magic all you want, but just know it won’t work on me - I can sound really “sincere” too, so can it.  You’re not getting my information!

There are plenty of amazing charities out there who are fighting for amnesty and international rights for women and children.  They go on Oprah (RIP).  They host fun-runs.  They have user-friendly websites.  You know what they don’t do?  Have attractive musical-theatre students on their summer break run me into the street on my lunch in an attempt to guilt me out of my credit card number.

So, best of luck to you, Children International Goon.  Please try not to take it personally if I firmly state “GET IT AWAY FROM ME” when you approach.   

WOMPCITY: LIVE May 13th and 14th

Pieces from wompcity will be featured in the Blogologues presented by Lively Productions.  I’ll be there on Friday night making sure they are WORD PERFECT.  You should check this show out.  Everyone involved is incredibly talented and lovely.  DO IT.

Lively Productions presents Blogologues: Sex, Drugs and Interwebs, conceived and developed by co-artistic directors, Allison Goldberg and Jen Jamula, and directed by Benjamin Kamine.      

Blogologues features five actors giving voice to blog post monologues from eight different blogs, as well as content from Twitter, Overheard In New York,  When Parents Text, and other wacky material that probably shouldn’t be read out loud.  It will be presented on Friday, May 13th and Saturday, May 14th at 8pm at Under St. Marks, 94 St. Mark’s Place, NYC. Get your tickets now: HERE!!